Updated: Jan 6, 2019
So this is it!
I have wanted to write for so long now, but could never find the time. Kids, work, studying, paying bills, career progression, climbing that ever towering ladder to the proverbial top. Nothing like a diagnosis of Stage 2b breast cancer to kick you into the real world and to make you realise what's actually important. So now I have the opportunity to write. The only difference now, is that I am writing my present not my past or future. But then, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Is it?
'How are you's?' no longer have the same meaning. I am always very optimistic. I believe that I can get to any location in 10 mins. I believe that there is always a way, It only takes a minute to score a goal, (I'm a lifelong Spurs and England supporter. 'Injury time is everything'), that it's not over until the fat lady sings and above all else, as constantly chorused by my little brother "Fortune favours the brave." So why is an answer to "How are you?" so hard for me right now. Because for once, I don't think I am. You see, the biggest battle for me right now is my mind. And to be honest, I don't even know which of the voices that usually rings out optimistic decrees is right. They all sound the same now, and I no longer know which voice to listen to.
My heart is filled with instinct and intuition. "Follow your gut, it’s always served you well." Whilst my head with its analytic and judgmental self-reminds me that proven methods are more reliable (even though the statistics do not always add up,) and that instinct is not proven and at a time like this, would you take the risk to rely on it?
As my tumour grows, it reminds me that I do not have the luxury of time to resolve this dilemma, and no matter what, I must not just do nothing, as doing nothing is not an option. But what is doing nothing, when you don't know if what you’re doing, is doing anything at all? And if you are doing nothing, does it mean that you are doing something if you consciously decide to do nothing? Exactly!!
A dear old friend of mine, who might not have actually been a friend, once told me in response to my constant quest for answers, (yep I was that child who constantly asked 'why?'),"It just is!" This became my go to for a while. When presented with an emotive driven challenge I would triumphantly retort "It just is." But what about choice?
The meaning of choice as defined by the first listed dictionary according to Google, is an act of choosing between two or more possibilities, "the choice between good and evil"
So presumably as long as you choose 'good' you are on winning path. But what defines good and evil? Is it the same as proven or unproven? Presumably you'd have to prove that something is either good or evil first in order to make your choice. Scientific methods proven, alternative treatments not scientifically proven. Therefore, Scientific methods good, alternative treatments evil? Fine, except that aside from the cancer, I physically feel so good right now. In fact, I feel better than I have felt in many years. I've thrown away the microwave (and when I say throw, I mean I threw it and watched it smash along the drive. My very first action following diagnosis,) and replaced my convenient fast food and processed food lifestyle, for a vegan organic one, which involves lots of juicing. And if cancer is a metabolic disease caused by the breakdown of the immune system, then surely the answer is to repair your body's own internal system, through dietary choices, to fight your cancer cells, rather than introducing chemicals that whilst proven to reduce most cancer tumours, is also proven to destroy all the cells that function your immune system, whose breakdown is the reason that cancer developed in the first place. Can you feel my pain!!
If I had a crystal ball and could see into my future, then the choice would be simply based on the best outcome presented by my future knowledge. As I do not, I think for now, I can only follow my gut instinct which has so far served me so well (and my now glowing skin.) As without future knowledge, when presented with a choice of surviving for 5 years or maybe 10, you have to make a choice, and then be committed to that choice, no matter what the voices say
My name is Ashea and welcome to my blog. It might not be for everyone or anyone, but it’s here, it’s true and its real. So, hi.